


Homicidal Psycho Jungle GoH

by Ysabetwordsmith



Category: Calvin & Hobbes
Genre: Annoying Girl, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Best Friends, Calvin is a science fiction writer, Calvinball, Childhood Friends, Collection: Asexy Valentines, Community: asexual_fandom, Families of Choice, Fan Adventure, Fan Characters, Fanac, Friendship/Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Primary Relationship, Science Fiction, Stupendous Man - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-09
Updated: 2012-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 06:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calvin and Hobbes attend a science fiction convention as the Guests of Honor.  Susie accompanies them as Calvin's business manager.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Homicidal Psycho Jungle GoH

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written and posted as part of the 2012 Asexy Valentines Fest in the Dreamwidth community asexual_fandom. It was an art/fic exchange with Erin Ptah who did [the illustration](http://sailorptah.deviantart.com/art/Artists-and-Manager-284284968).

"Remind me again why I agreed to this," Calvin grumbled to Hobbes as Susie collected their convention packets.

"Because at 26, you still suck at math, and money is math," Susie interrupted. 

"Calvin, you and your girlfriend are blocking the line," one of the gophers complained.

"Business manager!" Calvin and Susie chorused.

As they moved out of the way, Susie looked at the envelopes in her hand. "Huh, they gave us an extra packet." 

"No, that one belongs to Hobbes," said Calvin. He fished out the badge and lanyard to help Hobbes into them, then assembled his own. 

Meanwhile Susie was pinning her own badge to the lapel of her suit. "Calvin, why does your _stuffed tiger_ have a Guest of Honor ribbon, when mine just says Entourage?"

"Tigers are noted for their oratory skills," Hobbes explained. "I have some of Shere Khan's speeches memorized."

"Oh, you should do one of those for our Open Mic performance," Calvin said.

Susie glared at Calvin. "The badges?" she insisted.

"The convention chairman invited me and Hobbes together. Come on, everyone knows that he co-writes _Spaceman Spiff_ and _Stupendous Man_ with me," Calvin said.

"That was cute when you were _six,_ Calvin, it's getting a bit ridiculous now," said Susie.

"Omigod, look, it's _Hobbes!"_ squealed a fangirl wearing an Annoying Girl costume. "And Calvin too. Can I have your autographs?"

"I would be honored, miss," said Hobbes with a dapper bow and flourish of his paw.

"Sure," said Calvin. He pulled out a pen and helped Hobbes juggle the girl's convention booklet so they could both sign it. "You should get Susie's too -- she's the original inspiration for Annoying Girl."

"Wow!" said the fangirl, pushing her booklet at Susie.

"You are so dead," Susie grumbled as she herded Calvin and Hobbes into an elevator.

* * *

On the way to their room, they were mobbed by a quartet of fangirls in shiny silver costumes topped by fake antennae. "Come to the Spaceman Spiff party!" they chorused, cleavage heaving.

"Perhaps another time, ladies," said Hobbes.

"Sorry, schedule conflict," Calvin demurred.

"They're smothering me with their space babe balloons," Hobbes muttered to Calvin. "Get me out of here."

"We really need to get to our room," Calvin said, mashing himself against the wall to escape.

"You're welcome to mine," one fangirl said, tucking a plastic card into Calvin's pocket.

"Emergency eject!" yelled Hobbes.

"Uh, I'm sure you need that -- I have one already, thanks," Calvin said. He pressed the key card into the fangirl's hand and beat a hasty retreat. Behind him, he could hear Susie scolding the fangirls about feminine dignity.

Before they could find their room, though, two handsome men accosted them. The shorter wore a dragonfly fairy costume while the taller wore a rainbow-striped spacesuit. "We hope you'll come to the Gaylaxian party," the shorter one said.

"We're not actually gay," Calvin said, waving away both the flyer and the basket of colorful condom packets.

"We saw your epic escape from the space babes of hell," the taller one protested.

"Also not actually heterosexual," Hobbes said.

"Okay, that's just weird," the shorter one said. "We had a bet on which party you'd pick."

"Don't insult them, we want them to buy our books," Hobbes advised as Calvin wound up for a rant.

"Schedule conflict!" Calvin said through a forced smile.

"They're really quite busy," Susie said. She snagged a handful of condoms, patted the surprised fairy on the shoulder, and hustled Calvin into the hotel room.

"Safe at last," Calvin sighed, sagging against the closed door.

"Fans are worse than headhunters," Hobbes said.

"We should totally write that into our next book," said Calvin.

"Oh yes -- with the fairy as the tribal overlord, and the spaceman trying to rescue the doomed space babes," said Hobbes.

"But it all goes Horribly Wrong and then Spaceman Spiff has to save the day," Calvin finished. "Notebook!" He patted his pockets.

Susie sighed and held out a notebook and pencil. "Honestly. You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on. I'm amazed you manage to drag that silly tiger around without losing him."

"Hobbes follows me," Calvin said absently as he jotted down ideas. "I think I'll use 'The Comet Cannibals' for a working title."

"Is it always like this?" Susie asked.

"Pretty much, yeah," said Calvin. "The straight girls think we're straight, the gay guys think we're gay, and nobody gives us a moment's peace. We're happy, you know? It's not like we've got room for another relationship."

"Okaaayyy ..." Susie said. "Calvin, you are just too _weird_ for a normal relationship."

Calvin grinned at her. "Keep repeating that where the fans can hear you, and I'll give you a raise."

* * *

Rested, showered, and dressed for the convention they headed back into the fray. "So what schedule conflict did you have with the parties?" Susie asked.

"Meet the GoH over supper, Open Mic, and Calvinball Round 1," said Calvin. "Also you need to check the Art Show to make sure that Hobbes' work got hung properly, and okay our table in the Huckster Room since you're the Booth Babe."

"All that _tonight?"_ Susie squeaked.

"Yeah, and tomorrow we'll get really busy," Calvin said. 

"And to think I considered you a slacker when we were in school," Susie said.

"Oh well ... that was _work,"_ Calvin said with a shrug.

"Wait, where's your tiger?" Susie said suddenly. "I _knew_ you'd lose him sooner or later."

Calvin froze. "Hobbes?" he yelped. "Where are you?" At once he doubled back, searching frantically.

Susie grabbed his sleeve and tried to drag him toward the elevator. "Come on, we'll be late for your Guest of Honor thingie."

Calvin shook her off. "I have to find Hobbes," he said. "You go on ahead and tell them I'll be along shortly."

"Well _fine_ then!" she snapped, and stomped away.

"Psst ... down here."

Calvin found Hobbes hiding behind a large potted plant. "What are you doing down there?"

"Hiding."

"From the space babes or the Gaylaxians?"

"Worse," Hobbes hissed. "Furries!"

"Uh oh," Calvin said, spotting a pair of girls in fur bikinis and a man in a tiger suit. "I'll create a distraction. You make a run for it."

"Okay," Hobbes said.

Thinking quickly, Calvin wrenched the palm fern out of its pot and swung the leafy end at his startled fans. "Stupendous Man uses his superhuman strength to uproot a mighty tree and vanquish the evil Hairball Trio!" he shouted.

The girls squealed, crowding into a recessed doorway. The tiger man whipped out his camera phone to capture the action.

Calvin bowed and said, "Thank you, I'll be here all weekend!" He handed the palm fern to the tiger man just as Security lumbered around the corner. Then he sprinted to the elevator.

Only to be pounced on by his very own tiger.

"AUGH!" screamed Calvin as they tussled in the small compartment. "I just saved your sorry tail from the evil Hairball Trio, and now you're trying to KILL me?!"

"I can't help it," Hobbes said when they had finished. He suavely licked a paw and smoothed his ruffled fur. "It's my nature."

When they trudged into the dining room, Susie screeched, "CALVIN! Look at you, I don't believe this -- it hasn't been ten minutes and you're a wreck. You're filthy! Your clothes are torn, your hair is mussed, people are staring. What _happened?"_

"Homicidal psycho jungle GoH," Calvin growled, plonking Hobbes on the table.

"Well, I see that _someone_ managed to dress for the occasion," the Toastmaster joked.

Calvin looked down to see that Hobbes was sporting a tie.

* * *

So it went through the entire weekend:

Calvin got a black eye from being smacked in the face with a volleyball during Calvinball, and a headache from fending off the all-too-friendly nurse. But he and Hobbes won the first round, so that was okay.

Then the furries kidnapped Hobbes and it took an hour to get him back. Not so okay.

Saturday morning, Calvin and Hobbes went down to the Huckster Room before their panels started, just to see if Susie was settling in. Susie threw her now-cold coffee in Calvin's face, shouting, "All I could find to wear was this STUPID COSTUME and do you know how many times I got pinched before TEN AM and you are SO DEAD!"

But then someone said, "Wow, you were right about her being the original Annoying Girl!" so it was worth it.

All their panels were a riot. Some of them literally. Plus Calvin was pretty sure that the spectacled woman in the very back could actually _hear_ Hobbes because she kept laughing at his jokes before Calvin finished paraphrasing them.

The costume contest turned into a seething argument because Calvin wanted to award points for sheer creativity while Hobbes kept taking off points for flaws in authenticity. The judges gave them each a scorecard of their own, but it didn't help much since A) Calvin had to fill out both of them and B) their scores pretty much cancelled each other out. But then the fairy went to bended knee onstage and proposed to the rainbow spaceman, and everyone went _"Awwww,"_ and Hobbes muttered, "Splendid! Maybe now those two will leave us alone."

There was the Dead Dog Filk on Saturday night, during which an off-duty scientist was meticulously assembling an authentic canine skeleton, which led to a discussion about which types of flesh-eating beetles worked the fastest, which led to a new filk song.

Then came the heartlessly scheduled Sunday Breakfast, which they would have slept through were it not for Susie and a bucket of ice from the vending machine in the hall. Calvin listened to Hobbes grumbling about being wet for ten minutes before he said, "Shut up or I will drag you down to the laundromat and stuff you in a clothes dryer."

The art auction had gone splendidly, though. All of Hobbes' originals had sold. So had the last-minute entry of a hastily printed poster of Calvin and the palm fern, courtesy of the Hairball Trio, which raised enough money to pay for a replacement tree that the hotel demanded and still leave plenty to splurge in the Huckster Room. Susie added the total from the art to the total from the huckster table and did a happy dance, which Calvin surreptitiously photographed.

Of course all the bellboys were busy at checkout time, and when Calvin used his GoH status to commandeer a gopher, the over-excited gopher tried to hit on Susie while she piled bags and boxes into his wobbling grasp.

"Remind me again why I agreed to this," Susie grumbled as they stuffed their luggage into the taxi.

Calvin handed her the check.

"Oh, right," Susie said.

Calvin flopped into the seat next to Hobbes, just as a fangirl pressed herself against the taxi and yelled, "Goodbye, Hobbes! Hope to see you at WorldCon!"

Calvin stuck out his tongue at her. Then he turned to Hobbes and said, "Remind me again why I put up with you...?"

Hobbes handed him a notebook. "I finished outlining 'The Comet Cannibals' last night," he said, "or possibly very early this morning."

Calvin flipped through the pages. There were the headhunters, and the space babes of hell, and Spaceman Spiff arriving to save the day with his zorcher -- complicated, Calvin noticed, by the unexpected arrival of mutants in fur bikinis. There were the fairy and the rainbow spaceman eloping at the end, just before the comet exploded into a starburst of snow goons.

Calvin leaned over and hugged Hobbes. "I love you so much," he said. "Never leave me."

"Never in a million, billion years," Hobbes agreed.


End file.
